We sat down the other night to discuss what we could do together...hobbies. It was tricky because it's what I've been struggling with the last little while. What to do to keep me (and James) entertained. Not just entertained but progressing and doing something that I like and that is engaging. We came up with things together. We'll do some outside things depending on weather (hikes, skiing when we we're in Utah maybe even scuba diving one day), art history/visiting art museums with a purpose (researching the artists), learning a language and researching different countries and then exploring their culture. That's stuff that we can do together but what do I do for myself?

I think I'm just hesitant to find something because I don't know what my life will be like when the baby comes. My parents are around to help but they work so how can I do something weekly like a class with a new baby? I have found it's really hard to get up in the morning when I don't have anything planned. When I have no obligations what's the point of getting up and getting ready or doing something when I have nothing to do, no errands to run?

I had a bit of a revelation just now. I think I might maybe 6 months from now, sign up for the Masters Swimming. There's one team at CSU East Bay and I think one of the coaches used to coach me at CVHS. I could start that at the beginning of the year and stay in shape and do something that I really like. Practices are early in the morning so Mom could come and watch Gwen as I go off for practice and James heads off for work. Now I just have to remember that this is something that I would like to do. I think it would be good because it's structured practice and it seems like there are some meets which would be fun. I think James knows that I love to swim and it's something I enjoy but he's never seen me swim, practice or meet. I think it would surprise him. I've always talked about joining and been a bit afraid because I'm "not in shape" like I used to be so I'd go to the pool and "swim" but never progress but practicing with a group would be fun.

I guess the question that still remains: what to do in the mean time?

Fresh Start

Time to start over...with everything. We've moved, I've quit teaching and James has started a new job and a baby's coming at the end of July. The title of the blog is really accurate, "Is free time, fun time?" I realize life will change in the next month with Gwenyth coming but that's still a month away. What am I supposed to do for a month when everything I've known for the last 5 years is gone. Last night James told me that I'll have to discover a new me which hit me really hard. I like/liked who I was. I don't necessarily want a new me. After working through my depression and anxiety and managing to stabilize my life, I don't really know if I want to start over.

I think it finally hit me that I won't be headed back to City Academy in the fall to teach History, to meet the new 8th graders, joke around with the students I already have taught and prep my seniors for graduation; something we have been working towards since 8th grade. I won't be able to bug Gareth about little things like IGCSE World and expectations and quirks there. I won't hear Dawn teaching next door. I won't be able to complain about staff meetings and get distracted Leonard do origami throughout the whole thing. I won't be on Social Committee to help plan Prom and all those other activities that yes, I complained about, but always turned out to be amazing in the end. I won't get to be part of any of that. There's a lot that I will (and do) miss. I know people might say, "It's the beginning of a new chapter, a new book. You get to have new and different opportunities especially with the baby coming." Don't get me wrong, I'm excited for Gwen to come but I ache for teaching and school hasn't even been out for a month yet!

I know I'll get to be part of something just as exciting and great as teaching. I'll have a daughter that I get to teach and watch grow. But I feel like a little part of me is gone. I absolutely love teaching and I won't get to do that any more, at least for a while.

I am saying "won't" a lot and I know James would support me if I wanted to go back to work so I'm not afraid of that but it's just so different.

What do people do to define themselves when what has defined them and not only been a job but a hobby and enjoyment is now gone? What do you do? How do you figure out what the "new you" is? Maybe I just want a quick fix, find me something now that I know I will like, poof done! I know it won't work like that but maybe that's what I'm hoping for, that I fall into something that's great.