Time to start over...with everything. We've moved, I've quit teaching and James has started a new job and a baby's coming at the end of July. The title of the blog is really accurate, "Is free time, fun time?" I realize life will change in the next month with Gwenyth coming but that's still a month away. What am I supposed to do for a month when everything I've known for the last 5 years is gone. Last night James told me that I'll have to discover a new me which hit me really hard. I like/liked who I was. I don't necessarily want a new me. After working through my depression and anxiety and managing to stabilize my life, I don't really know if I want to start over.
I think it finally hit me that I won't be headed back to City Academy in the fall to teach History, to meet the new 8th graders, joke around with the students I already have taught and prep my seniors for graduation; something we have been working towards since 8th grade. I won't be able to bug Gareth about little things like IGCSE World and expectations and quirks there. I won't hear Dawn teaching next door. I won't be able to complain about staff meetings and get distracted Leonard do origami throughout the whole thing. I won't be on Social Committee to help plan Prom and all those other activities that yes, I complained about, but always turned out to be amazing in the end. I won't get to be part of any of that. There's a lot that I will (and do) miss. I know people might say, "It's the beginning of a new chapter, a new book. You get to have new and different opportunities especially with the baby coming." Don't get me wrong, I'm excited for Gwen to come but I ache for teaching and school hasn't even been out for a month yet!
I know I'll get to be part of something just as exciting and great as teaching. I'll have a daughter that I get to teach and watch grow. But I feel like a little part of me is gone. I absolutely love teaching and I won't get to do that any more, at least for a while.
I am saying "won't" a lot and I know James would support me if I wanted to go back to work so I'm not afraid of that but it's just so different.
What do people do to define themselves when what has defined them and not only been a job but a hobby and enjoyment is now gone? What do you do? How do you figure out what the "new you" is? Maybe I just want a quick fix, find me something now that I know I will like, poof done! I know it won't work like that but maybe that's what I'm hoping for, that I fall into something that's great.
