It's been a little over a week since I started swimming. Those lightbulbs were exceptionally helpful as I have continued to swim. Friday was a little rough just because there were lots of people in the pool and I was a little frazzled by having to keep up with other people. I like having my own lane, as I'm sure everybody else would. Maybe that speaks to my personality. I'm not totally social, I don't reach out a lot of the time when I'm in a social situation. It's hard for me. I feel awkward. I don't know what to say. I like to observe first then interact. I'm a bit picky because I know what type of person I interact with best and what type brings me out. I recognize that that is extremely narrowing but that type of person also introduces me to others. They're my gateway, I just have to pick the right person :)

Anyway. Today was the day that I felt like I was actually back in the pool. I'm not talking speed but I'm talking about how I felt. For those swimmers out there, you know what I'm talking about. There's a certain feel to being in the pool and when you haven't been in the poo for a while. Today, I felt like I was getting back to that feel. I felt stronger and better. Part of it too is probably I'm in the right group of swimmers. I realize now that I was in a lane with a super fast swimmer my very first day and last Friday, I was in a lane that was just a smidgin too fast for me. I've found my interval now and where I should be.

I'm really enjoying it and it feels so good to actually be practicing and not just swimming. So far in practice we have swum 11,300 yards, which is equal to 6.42 miles (check this out: what 11,300 yards means).

Lightbulbs

Yesterday was my first day back in the pool. I get a little anxious about things like this. I don't always like trying something new because I'm afraid. Of what? I don't know, just everything. Will I be on time? Will I understand what I need to do? I can be a bit shy so socially I get nervous. I'm not one to strike up a conversation with strangers. I like to have things planned out and there's so much ambiguity when trying new things that it gets me anxious. And if I slip up on one thing or something doesn't go according to plan I can get flustered. You can probably see where this is going...

I got there on time and I wasn't the only new person there. I had emailed the coach that I was interested and that I wanted to start so I was planning on meeting him. However, he wasn't there and a different coach was there. Not too big of a deal but I had just expected to talk to Ben (the coach) or at least he would be aware that I was starting fresh. I had to fill out some paperwork and then it was time to get into the pool. I have swum at this pool when I was a teenager and we were swimming in the deeper pool. But it wasn't as deep as I thought. I jumped in and I scratched up my whole left foot. Not a great way to start but I tried to stay positive. We warmed up and then it began. 

Let's just say I had a different vision in my head of how "good" I was. In the summer and fall of 2012, I had been in the pool at least 4 days a week. True, I was teaching swim lessons and swimming laps during my 10 minute break or swimming for 45 minutes not having a work out plan. Just swimming. I thought I'd be pretty good and that once I started it'd come back to me. Well, it did come back to me. It came back and smacked me in the face. I kinda forgot about how intense intervals can be and how many sets we have to do of one thing. I wasn't in Kansas anymore, that was for sure. As I processed the practiced some "lightbulbs" came to me. Some during practice (thank goodness) and some after practice. 

Lightbulb #1: I had a baby 6 months ago. I was "out of commission" for over a year, close to a year and a half of working out. The fact that I was committed to getting into shape and start swimming again was enough. I needed to recognize that. I'm okay.

Lightbulb #2: Don't give up. So there's this trick, and I'm sure every sport has something like this, when you get tired, make up that some body part of your's hurts. "Oh, my shoulder hurts." "Oh, I got a foot cramp." I can't tell you how tempted I was to pull one of those during practice but then I thought, "What good would that do me? Just finish your set." If I don't give up at least I can say it was hard, but I didn't stop, I honestly finished the work out. 

Lightbulb #3: Just make your intervals. (Intervals are times; so you do a certain amount of laps in a certain amount of time.) These are decided by the coach. Sometimes you just need to lower your time each time you finish your set. That's what I did. Once I realized Lightbulbs #1 and #2, I had to tell myself to just make the times. They were realistic and doable, so do it. And I did. I make every interval for every set. And when the coach told us to improve our time, I at least maintained my time and something improved my time. Hooray!

Lightbulb #4: The last one. Every time I had started swimming for a team or for a clinic, we were all starting off together. Rarely was someone joining later. That meant that the coaches would ease us into the work out, not just shove the hard stuff in our face and ask us to do it. That's not the case here. I was the one joining later, everyone else had been swimming for months and had built up their strength. I'm not there yet but I'm going to be and that's okay with me. 

My biggest hope was that the coach that was there, and when Ben shows up, will see that I have the technique and the skills, I just need to build my strength up again. My mom, who babysat for us while I was at the pool, and my husband asked the same question, "Are you going back on Wednesday?" I said, "Of course!" It will only get better and easier from here on out. 

Redefinition #1

One of my redefinition isn't really one. It's an update on an old one I had for a long time that I let slip a little. It actually came to me while I typing an earlier post on this blog about what to do. My sister had mentioned that a friend of ours was doing it years ago, and my husband and I had talked about a few times but now, it's go time! I'm committed.

Starting on Monday, I will be swimming with the adult swim team in the area. I swam competitively for about 10 years growing up. I swam on a summer league team, in various clinics and on the high school team. I also taught swim lessons for 5 summers and life guarded. The pool is my second home. It relaxes me and rejuvenates me. The reason I hadn't joined in the last few years was twofold. One, I didn't feel I could focus on it and give it the time commitment that it needed because of work. Second, I was scared. I told myself, that I will join the Master's Team when I feel fit enough, like I was in high school. Ha! That's a good one. What an excuse. When I was at my peak I was swimming 10 months out of the year, 5 days a week for an hour or two. So yeah, working full time and married, sure I was going to get "back into shape" and "swimming like I was in high school" by walking to the teacher's lounge and "swimming" aka taking a break after every four laps for 45 minutes.

So what changed? Why all of a sudden did I commit? After having the baby, I want to, like any other woman, lose the baby weight and that won't happen if I keep eating those chocolate chips I have stashed away and walking through Target every other day. Another reason is, it really isn't that hard. I don't have to learn a new skill. I know the strokes, dives, lingo etc. It should be just like riding a bike. (We'll see how well that goes after Monday's practice.) Swimming is something that I love. It's soothing and strengthening all at the same time. When I read about the purpose of the team there were a few things that stood out to me. One was that it doesn't matter why you're there. You could be training for a triathlon, or just wanting to work out and have a coach there to guide you. There's no pressure. The second aspect that stood out to me is that you can compete. I loved competing. That's my goal too. I want to get into shape and compete again. James has actually never seen me swim. We've splashed around at the pool a few times but he's never seen me really swim. I'm excited for that. I think it will give him another glimpse into who I am.

This is for me. I think that's the biggest reason why I chose to do this now. It's me time. I don't have to worry about anyone or anything else for an hour. Yes, the exercise gets me eating better and healthier which has a long term impact for everybody in the family. But every other day, I get to go to the pool and I'm excited about it. I don't have to feel guilty for taking time out for me because every woman needs time out for herself and this is mine.

I can hardly wait for Monday. I might feel differently after practice; so maybe I should read this again when I get home :)

Redefining Myself.

It's been a while now and a few things have definitely changed.

First, our daughter was born in the summer. It has been a great and wonderful adventure to be able to stay home and raise her. It's such a blessing to have her in our lives.

Second. One day I went for a walk with my daughter in the stroller which gave me a lot of time to myself to think about what I was doing. I needed some direction and, if you've read other posts, I needed something to do. I got caught up in the "new mom" cycle (meaning taking a shower was a luxury, trying to be the "good" housewife and putting on make up was an adventure). I wasn't taking time for me and I really wanted it. It bothered me that I couldn't eat chocolate because it impacted my nursing. It bugged me that I had to rush through a shower (I LOVE a good shower). Pretty much what I'm saying is that I went from this woman who worked and had a fair amount of independence and individuality to a woman who looked like a zombie. In short, I had a realization that I had to redefine myself. I had (have) to accent other things in my life that define me. I was a married teacher with no children. I am now a woman who is a mother that enjoys teaching and many other things that I can do inside and outside the home.

While on this walk with my daughter I thought to myself, "What do I like to do?" "What did I do before my daughter, other than teaching, that defined me?" I find it fascinating how much teaching really defined me. To boast a little, I am a good teacher. The students like(d) me and it was a blast. I loved the energy the students brought; I loved pushing students to new levels of thinking and seeing them develop their capacity to fully think through topics and respectfully and intellectually debate. Now I am home talking "baby talk" to my daughter (which is so much fun by the way) and I catch myself talking to myself. But was teaching the only thing that described me? Was that my only talent? For a long time, I thought so. I really didn't do anything else. Teaching consumed me. It was something that I enjoyed but on this walk I realized it wasn't the only thing that was me.

As I pushed the stroller up the hills and trying to think about me I realized something. I'm one of those people that doesn't really want to be like everybody else but still want to be accepted by everybody else (which I think is everybody's aspiration). I know a lot of people have various hobbies and talents but I wanted something different. Not to hate because I don't, but I don't want to be an amateur photographer or someone who decorates cakes as a hobby because it seems like that's what everybody does. I wanted something different; something that people would say, "Wow, you have done/do what now?" And then it hit me what I should do. It was perfect.

I am not just a teacher. I am a woman who _______

We sat down the other night to discuss what we could do together...hobbies. It was tricky because it's what I've been struggling with the last little while. What to do to keep me (and James) entertained. Not just entertained but progressing and doing something that I like and that is engaging. We came up with things together. We'll do some outside things depending on weather (hikes, skiing when we we're in Utah maybe even scuba diving one day), art history/visiting art museums with a purpose (researching the artists), learning a language and researching different countries and then exploring their culture. That's stuff that we can do together but what do I do for myself?

I think I'm just hesitant to find something because I don't know what my life will be like when the baby comes. My parents are around to help but they work so how can I do something weekly like a class with a new baby? I have found it's really hard to get up in the morning when I don't have anything planned. When I have no obligations what's the point of getting up and getting ready or doing something when I have nothing to do, no errands to run?

I had a bit of a revelation just now. I think I might maybe 6 months from now, sign up for the Masters Swimming. There's one team at CSU East Bay and I think one of the coaches used to coach me at CVHS. I could start that at the beginning of the year and stay in shape and do something that I really like. Practices are early in the morning so Mom could come and watch Gwen as I go off for practice and James heads off for work. Now I just have to remember that this is something that I would like to do. I think it would be good because it's structured practice and it seems like there are some meets which would be fun. I think James knows that I love to swim and it's something I enjoy but he's never seen me swim, practice or meet. I think it would surprise him. I've always talked about joining and been a bit afraid because I'm "not in shape" like I used to be so I'd go to the pool and "swim" but never progress but practicing with a group would be fun.

I guess the question that still remains: what to do in the mean time?

Fresh Start

Time to start over...with everything. We've moved, I've quit teaching and James has started a new job and a baby's coming at the end of July. The title of the blog is really accurate, "Is free time, fun time?" I realize life will change in the next month with Gwenyth coming but that's still a month away. What am I supposed to do for a month when everything I've known for the last 5 years is gone. Last night James told me that I'll have to discover a new me which hit me really hard. I like/liked who I was. I don't necessarily want a new me. After working through my depression and anxiety and managing to stabilize my life, I don't really know if I want to start over.

I think it finally hit me that I won't be headed back to City Academy in the fall to teach History, to meet the new 8th graders, joke around with the students I already have taught and prep my seniors for graduation; something we have been working towards since 8th grade. I won't be able to bug Gareth about little things like IGCSE World and expectations and quirks there. I won't hear Dawn teaching next door. I won't be able to complain about staff meetings and get distracted Leonard do origami throughout the whole thing. I won't be on Social Committee to help plan Prom and all those other activities that yes, I complained about, but always turned out to be amazing in the end. I won't get to be part of any of that. There's a lot that I will (and do) miss. I know people might say, "It's the beginning of a new chapter, a new book. You get to have new and different opportunities especially with the baby coming." Don't get me wrong, I'm excited for Gwen to come but I ache for teaching and school hasn't even been out for a month yet!

I know I'll get to be part of something just as exciting and great as teaching. I'll have a daughter that I get to teach and watch grow. But I feel like a little part of me is gone. I absolutely love teaching and I won't get to do that any more, at least for a while.

I am saying "won't" a lot and I know James would support me if I wanted to go back to work so I'm not afraid of that but it's just so different.

What do people do to define themselves when what has defined them and not only been a job but a hobby and enjoyment is now gone? What do you do? How do you figure out what the "new you" is? Maybe I just want a quick fix, find me something now that I know I will like, poof done! I know it won't work like that but maybe that's what I'm hoping for, that I fall into something that's great.

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